Sobriety and Me

Admission

On July 8th, 2020, I woke up at 3:27 am incredibly hungover (per the usual), rolled over in bed to face my husband, Zach, and said, “I have a drinking problem.” This was the first time I had ever said this outloud, despite subconsciously (or even consciously) knowing this for years. I knew I was an alcoholic, but thought I could set rules for myself:

“I’ll only drink on the weekends.” 

“Okay, weekdays too, but only after 5pm.” 

“No hard liquor for me, only wine, after all, wine has benefits for the heart.”

“Ok, some liquor…less calories.”

“I’m in good shape, alcohol isn’t really affecting my training.”

“I’m not doing anything dangerous.”

“I’ve got a good job, I’m in school, I’m having success. My life isn’t out of control.”

“I got off work early today, it won’t hurt to have an early drink.”

“I really can stop anytime I want to.”

“Other people drink a lot more than I do.”

“Alcohol helps me relax.”

“I have rules, I’m in control.”

The funny thing about my rules was that they were always changing. When I had a “bad night” or drank too much, I would change some rule of what type of alcohol I could drink or what time I could start. I always would justify my drinking because if I really had a problem, my life would be in shambles, right? As time progressed, others noticed the role alcohol played in my life, so I began hiding it. 

Secrets of an Alcoholic

I kept what I called my “show” bottle out in the open for others to see, and rarely drank from it. My real bottle I kept hidden in a closet or backpack or drawer, wherever I thought it was safest, but also easiest to get to without being noticed. Boxed wine was always a go-to as obviously no one could look to see how much I drank in one sitting or how much was left. Also, the box always looked the same as the one I would just replace it with…

Whiskey was my drink of choice, but the smell it left on my breath was pretty difficult to mask, so I shifted to vodka (fyi, still smells). I personally preferred red wine as well, but seeing as this stains your teeth while you're drinking, this too was difficult to hide, so red wine, unless in a social setting, was also dropped. 

Now, a non-alcoholic or ‘Normie’ might be wondering why I’d be concerned with what my breath smelt like or what color my teeth were, because they are assuming that I was drinking around others who were also drinking. Basically, in a social setting, I always made sure I looked as if I was drinking an acceptable amount. This is because in the shadows, I was taking pulls from a secret stash or supply that I had strategically set up knowing that the amount I’d want to drink might start looking suspicious. This led to a transition where I actually preferred to be alone so that I could drink alone without worry of being questioned.

Rock Bottom

What’s interesting to me about my recovery is that I had hit rock bottom almost 4 years before I became sober. In 2020, when I finally acknowledged I had a drinking problem and made the ultimate decision to stop drinking, my life wasn’t spiraling. I hadn’t lost my job or gotten a DUI. I wasn’t being divorced, I wasn’t homeless or in financial trouble. For an outsider looking in, my life seemed to be normal and going pretty well for the most part. 

In 2015-2016, I was actively serving in the USMC and absolutely hit rock bottom. For a few years prior, I was somewhat teetering on a slippery slope. By 2015, I pretty much strapped on roller blades and a jet-pack to get to the bottom. For the sake of brevity, I won’t go into all the details in this article but the fact is, I almost killed myself. Not technically suicide, (although that thought bounced around) but in all honesty, its a pretty fine line a between suicide and reckless, even intentional, self-destruction. 

One day, I woke up in a hospital bed in the ICU. I’d been so intoxicated that I had apparently fallen and hit my head. Not only did I lose a lot of blood, but I was first picked up in an ambulance then had to be life-flighted to a hospital specializing in head injuries. In the helicopter, I stopped breathing, and had to be intubated as the specialists pumped air into my lungs so I could breathe. 

The next morning when I gained consciousness, the nurse explained the ordeal that it took to save my life, and how close I came to losing it. She then told me that my Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) had been 0.42%. Here’s some perspective to what that means:

• 0.0% - No Alcohol (you’re sober)

• 0.08% - Reduced muscle coordination. More difficult to detect danger. Impaired judgment and reasoning.

• 0.15% to 0.30% - Altered mood. Nausea and Vomiting. Loss of balance and muscle control. Confusion and Drowsiness.

• 0.30% to 0.40% - Likely to have alcohol poisoning, potentially life-threatening, and experience loss of consciousness.

• Over 0.40% - Potentially fatal blood alcohol level. Risk of coma and death from respiratory arrest (Cleveland Clinic, 2022).

When the nurse told me this, I didn’t think any practical thoughts such as changing my lifestyle. I didn’t consider that I should quit drinking or even limit my consumption. I didn’t think about how this could have affected my family or friends or future. I didn’t even really think, or care, that I almost killed myself. Instead, I laughed. I laughed and asked if I’d broken a hospital record. When I was discharged, I went home and I drank. 

While there are many other incidents and experiences I had while on my journey to recovery, I plan to share these at another time. However, a few months later, I deployed, which I attest to being a major factor in my recovery. 

On June 26, 2016 on the USS Wasp, I wrote a letter to God in my journal. A desperate prayer begging for His help to save my life. I knew that without Him and His help, I was 100% going to die soon based on my mental and spiritual state along with my self-destructive lifestyle. The next day, I met Zach and God utilized him in being one of the primary reasons I am alive, sober, and thriving today. 

The Cycle

Drinking for me had escalated into a pretty vicious cycle. Initially, I drank socially. Over time, I created some bad drinking habits and then those habits started to recreate me. My drinking eventually led me to make some monstrously terrible decisions, and really damaged my mental state and spiritual peace. I became someone I didn’t recognize and who I hated. While my drinking transitioned from poor decisions to poor character, I then drank more to escape who I had become. 

Alcoholics and those who suffer from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) experience, what recent research has dubbed, a repeating three-phase cycle that chemically alters the brain (Koob et al., 2016). The phases of this cycle are categorized as the Binge Stage, the Withdrawal Stage, and the Preoccupation Stage (Koob et al., 2020).  In the Binge Stage, the brain feels rewarded and receives pleasure from the alcohol. The Withdrawal Stage is when the individual has stopped drinking and the brain is no longer receiving an award - negative consequences such as emotional states of anxiety, depression, irritability and physical discomforts like headaches and other pain take place (Koob et al., 2020). The brain starts to undergo irreversible chemical reactions and begins correlating alcohol with relief from the discomfort or emotional pain.  The final Preoccupation Stage is where an addict no longer has the “you’ve had enough” bell that goes off for Normies.

Essentially, I had rewired my brain to NEED to drink in order to escape from what my drinking was causing. Not only this, but I had neurologically altered the way my brain functioned, and no longer reacted to alcohol the same way that a Normie reacts. I no longer felt like I could function while being sober because I was stricken with anxiety, severe panic attacks, fear and depression that my drinking had caused, but the only thing that would help me to stabilize was drinking. I was self-medicating to escape the emotional trauma I had created for myself from my drinking - crazy right?

Allergic to Alcohol?

On my path to recovery I learned something that really helped me to begin forgiving myself. I had always thought that I was weak because, while others seemed to manage their alcohol, I never could. On nights out involving drinks, I basically crossed my fingers and hoped I wouldn’t do anything stupid. It was a toss-up if I was going to blackout or not - I honestly never knew. My entire life I thought I was just weak and I could never understand how some people managed to know when to stop drinking because I could NEVER turn down a drink. 

I learned later that there is an actual alarm in Normies’ heads that says “Stop, dude. You’ve had enough.” I don’t have that alarm, in fact, my little voice said the opposite. I needed to know that I could always get more and was anxious if there was a limited amount of alcohol wherever I was. For some, addiction is hereditary and so those individuals are prone to becoming addicts because of genetics. Others may become chronic drinkers and drink heavily enough to chemically change the neurological function of their brain (Sullivan et al., 2010).  I think for myself, it was a bit of both. 

I remember listening to a recovery podcast and hearing the host explain that an alcoholic is basically having an allergic reaction to alcohol. It’s a reaction that their brain and body has that they have absolutely no control over. It affects them differently than a Normie just like some individuals react negatively to peanuts while others have no issues whatsoever. This was a life-changing analogy for me because it let me know that I wasn’t weak, it was a reaction my body had to alcohol that I could not control. 

Choosing Sobriety

Up until July 8, 2020, I had told myself a million times that I would cut back on my drinking. Occasionally, I’d decide that I wouldn’t drink the upcoming week or weekend, but I wouldn’t tell anyone else. I knew if I told someone else, then I would have to actually follow through with what I said, or else I would no longer have the illusion that I was in control of my drinking. Basically, I would still have the option to drink if I wanted to, and I always wanted to. 

I don’t really know exactly what changed on that day specifically. I felt my spirit stirring and when I woke up, I knew I had to tell Zach because I needed to be held accountable. I needed to make it real and I needed to admit it publicly and audibly. While I had begun a significant healing process in 2017 following deployment, I still had major setbacks and adversity that I had to endure and utilized books, therapy, groups to grow and recreate myself. Even then, it still took several more years for me to finally give up alcohol. 

It’s funny, because you would think that once you give up the habit that is literally ruining your life, then life would get easier, but that assumption is so wrong. It doesn’t get easier, in fact, for a little while it gets a lot worse. This is because all the problems, trauma, consequences, and emotions that you’ve been escaping and numbing yourself from with alcohol are still there, but now you have to face them without your ‘medication’. 

The difference is now you can actually address all the issues of your life with clarity and really begin to clean out your soul. God allowed me to do this and without Him, I know in my heart I would be dead. It was honestly the hardest and most humbling thing I have ever done. Facing my demons and cleaning out all the crap I had allowed inside was truly terrifying. I had hated the person I had become and I had to face her, change her, forgive her, and then love her in order to move forward. 

I wasn’t at rock bottom when I chose sobriety, but I would have been there again if I hadn’t decided to change. I didn’t want to be what held me back in life and I want to be the absolute best version of myself, no matter how difficult that is to do. I knew that I was the only thing holding myself back from true peace and happiness. 

Thank God

I know that those reading this may be at different places in their life. Even having been sober for over 3 years now, I still have significant challenges, but I am able to approach them with courage and a clear mind because I am no longer obstructed by alcohol. My sobriety has strengthened my relationship with Jesus. Trust me when I say He is still working HARD on me, and I have a long way to go, but it’s so much easier with Him. Actually, it's only been possible with Him. 

Exactly 1 year from my sobriety date, I found out that I was pregnant with my first son Bohdi. Now I have 2 boys, little Witt who joined this past March and my family is the greatest joy in my life. Since becoming sober, I have accomplished educational and professional goals, but most importantly, I love myself and I love my life. I am able to be the wife, mother, and woman I was created to be because I am no longer drowning myself and I thank God everyday for blessing me with all these things I did nothing to deserve. I just let go and let God work, and let me tell you, if you do that He will do the most incredible things. 

In Summary

Before now, I could count on one hand who actually knew that I am a recovering alcoholic. For a long time, I didn’t really want anyone to know, but the way I see it, if my recovery can help even one person for one day, then I have an obligation. It’s not about my pride, my ego, or reputation - it’s bigger than that. I plan to share more of my journey down the road, but for now this is the step I needed to take today. Thank you for reading and if you ever need anything, please feel free to reach out. 

References

Cleveland Clinic Professional, C. C. medical. (2022). Blood alcohol content (BAC): What it is & levels. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diagnostics/22689-blood-alcohol-content-bac.

Koob GF, Colrain IM. Alcohol use disorder and sleep disturbances: a feed-forward allostatic framework. Neuropsychopharmacology. 2020;45(1):141-165. doi:10.1038/s41386-019-0446-0.

Koob GF, Volkow ND. Neurobiology of addiction: a neurocircuitry analysis. Lancet Psychiatry. 2016;3(8):760-773. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(16)00104-8.

Sullivan EV, Harris RA, Pfefferbaum A. Alcohol’s Effects on Brain and Behavior. Alcohol Res Health. 2010;33(1-2):127-143..